Why Doubt?

I am sitting at my table listening to Enya. Yes, that soothing music. Honestly, I don't understand what she is saying. The power of music, its ability to transcend language, always amazes me. Though I don't understand, the impact on me is the same as on those who do. 

While sitting and listening, I was thinking about my life and its future. Where am I headed? What is my vocation? What is the purpose of my life? They say "the purpose of life is a life of purpose". 

These questions come to my mind, and I have to confess they worry me often. I think about them sitting at my table, walking around the river behind our block of flats, walking to school, sitting in the classroom waiting for the students to complete the classwork, and even when I am sitting at the toilet. My thoughts are also often filled with doubt. I doubt whether I have what it takes to be what I want to be. I doubt whether I will live up to my own expectation. I doubt whether I will remain in strength and continue to keep my integrity. 

My question is why doubt? Why not enjoy each moment and every step of my journey in life. One great light of truth dawned upon me: if I wait to be happy after I 'succeed' I will never get back these moments and places that I have the privilege of being in. Yes, I have heard people saying this. However, unless the light shines on your heart and gives it a new dimension, it is useless to hear it from people. 

I know that happiness doesn't come from outside. It comes from a heart that is sure of where it's headed. It comes from a heart that knows that it's living life the way it wants to live it. Happiness is a companion on the journey of life, not a place to be reached at. Happiness is not something that I can possess. It is the quality of my inner life, more than the condition of my outer life. Few courageous people lived in bliss in their heart even if their bodies were restricted due to some external limitations, like: prison, poverty, and so on. 

If that is the case, then why do I need my dear doubt? I don't need it. How do I avoid it? By constantly rejecting it. By getting rid of it out of my mind. By not giving it a lodging in my heart. "It is not the snake bite that kills you, it's rather the venom." When doubt bites me, I have to take an immediate action of rejecting it and deny it a place of thought in my mind. It takes a lot of strength as it's easier said than done. But the good news is it is possible to live a doubt free life. 

I have made up my mind never to doubt myself. I will never doubt the grace of God residing in me. I will never doubt the power of God in me. That power is not of fear, nor of timidity. It is a POWER OF COURAGE, of CONQUERING MY FEAR. It is a power of taking control of my mind, my heart and my life. It is living life, not fearing it. It's celebrating life while living it to the full, not preparing to live it. You live life, you don't prepare for it. 

I will sign of with the following quote. 

"To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent

persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of

honest critics; to appreciate beauty; to give of one’s self, to leave

the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch

or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with

enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has

breathed easier because you have lived - that is to have

succeeded."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

God bless and stay in touch.