I am sitting here wondering here my life's headed. My mind is filled with questions. Will I make it in life? Will I be able to be that person I know I can be? Will the snow storm finally pass and the sun shines on my life? Will I be able to master the strength of character and live off wisdom? These and many others.
One thing is for sure. I can't afford to give up. Nor can I doubt my abilities. Next to God, I rely on my hope for a better future and my ability to create that better future. However, this certainty about my hope and ability is tested every single day by unforeseen mini-crises. Hanging becomes unbearable. Finding meaning as painful as the labour of giving birth. Tomorrow becomes dreadful. Loneliness erects its tent to stay. Love seems distant like the stone age. It's as if I am without family or anyone. The cold in my heart is more severe than the winter outside. Anger, bitterness and despair are all waiting at the door of my heart to invade it. What is my guard? Will I remain strong or sane?
I must dig deep. I must 'hope against' or lack of it. I must find the sun behind the clouds. I must find light within. I must run when can or crawl when I can't. Whichever way, I must keep on moving.
Some years ago, I had some personal crisis. What I am going through now is by far the worst. The difference is this time I will pass right through it with my integrity intact. I want to believe that, when the dust settles, victory will be mine. In a strange way, I am grateful for this hardship. It revealed to me a lot about myself. Lots of weaknesses and some promising developments. I hope I am being prepared for something better and bigger.
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